Discipline mistakes
From a video by Dr Tina Bryson
Dr. Tina Payne Bryson is the author of several books including two NY Times Best Sellers - The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline - each of which has been translated into over fifty languages. ,
Tina has recorded a series (Mistake Mondays) of very short videos talking about discipline mistakes we make regularly and what we can do instead. These ideas come from her book No-Drama Discipline, co-written with Dr. Dan Siegel. Here is an introduction:
One of the messages I often speak about is letting go of parental perfectionism. First, there’s no such thing as perfection. We’re all human, and we all make mistakes. The important part is what you do after that.
When we don’t parent in a loving way in a moment, as long as a repair is made and the child experiences the parent as a stabilizing secure base, the child learns they can rely on the parent to show up for them. So really, as parents, we will mess up, but we can free ourselves from the trap of trying to be perfect. By embracing mistakes and letting go of a perfectionist mindset, we can actually model for our children that it’s OK not to be perfect. If you were perfect all the time, your children would think they have to be perfect, too!
Second, as parents, sometimes we act in ways that surprise us. For the good, or for the bad. When we lose it or act immature or become impatient and reactive, it’s an opportunity to explore and become curious about what happened there for us. It’s an invitation to get in touch to what we’re feeling and experiencing so that we can be more intentional about preventing these kinds of moments in the future.
For example, when we flip our lids, we can pause and say, “Okay, what was that about for me?” And sometimes what it was about is that we haven’t gone to the bathroom or we’re hungry, tired, lonely, resentful, and our kid just wiped their nose and some peanut butter on us. Other times, our past can intrude into our present and can trigger big responses that might not even make sense to us. In this case, we want to become curious about whether there’s something from the past that’s getting activated.
If so, we can shine the light of awareness on it and say, “OK, when I get mad it’s not about now, it’s about the past. And next time I feel this way, I can bring myself back into this present moment and focus on this moment.” In this way, by being curious and reflecting, we aren’t as ensnared by the past. It doesn’t control us in the same way and we begin to have choice.
So here is the first common discipline mistake that all of us make frequently; Overreacting.
The main problem with overreacting, whether it's that you're really angry, or you get really anxious, or you make a really big deal out of something that's really tiny - whatever the overreaction is about, it takes the focus away from your child and what needs to be addressed there.
And instead all the attention goes to your bad behaviour. So it's very distracting from the process of discipline, which is again, to teach and to build skills. So anytime you're about to overreact, the first important thing is noticing that, that's what you're about to do and to pause.
You may need to say to your kids, I need a couple of minutes to calm down my body and my emotions so that I can respond to you in the way that is going to be most helpful. Take a few minutes. You don't have to handle the behaviour in that moment. As long as your kids are safe, it's fine for you to step away and to take a few minutes for yourself. Do anything that helps you calm and soothe - breathe deeply, listen to music, hug yourself, etc.
So overreacting takes the attention away from what needs to be addressed with your child and puts the attention on you and your bad behaviour. So do whatever you can to avoid the overreaction and, when you do overreact, be sure make the repair with your child.
Why not watch the series on Youtube here:
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From a video by Dr Tina Bryson, 23/08/2023