When grandparents divorce, everyone hurts
From an article by the Institute of Family Studies
Dr Scott Sibley, Assistant Professor in Human Development and Family Sciences at Northern Illinois University, experienced a painful and somewhat unexpected experience while visiting his recently-divorced mother’s house for the first time in three years with his wife and four children.
It was quickly evident that his oldest two children had a strong recollection of some of the happy memories that we had experienced in this home while their grandparents were still married (for 39 years). This was where they had enjoyed large family dinners during holidays, where fireworks were lit, engagements had been announced, babies had crawled on the floor, and cousins had formed lifelong friendships.
Many of the pictures featuring these memories were in frames throughout the house: a reminder of the way things were. This was emotionally overwhelming for his 11-year-old son who sobbed as they sat and talked together on the couch. The boy explained, “I remembered how things used to be, and that I will never see them [grandpa and grandma] together again.”
His 14-year-old daughter shared: “I felt depressed for a few months after I learned that [our grandparents] had divorced. It’s not the same when you see them. It’s not as special.” His 9-year-old son was probably the most emotionally shaken when he first heard the news, requiring additional support for several weeks after he learned about the split.
There was a difficult conversation driving home, promising that they were going to work hard to stay strong as a family - reassuring the children that their mother and father were not going to divorce.
Scott had long understood from educational, research, and clinical experience that parental divorce has a substantial impact on children. What he had not considered to the same extent was how grandparental divorce can also be detrimental.
A study on the the long reach of divorce across three generations, using longitudinal data during a 20-year timespan, explored how grandparental divorce specifically impacts grandchildren across a variety of variables (education, marital discord, divorce, relations with parents, and well-being). Although fewer than 10% of grandchildren in the study had been born during the time that their grandparents divorced, the effects of the divorce still seemed to have a significant impact on this generation.
As a parent of children who have experienced the divorce of their grandparents, and as marriage and family therapist, Scott would recommend the following in a situation where grandparents decide to divorce:
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Reassure children about the strength of your own marriage and your personal commitment to their mother or father. If your marriage is feeling flat, then work on making it vibrant again. After all, most marriages do not decline over time.
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Listen to your children and learn to recognize their perspectives. Your children are observant and may be feeling anxious about relationships, especially if they recognize how much emotional pain you have experienced from parental divorce.
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Finally, be willing to talk to your children about your parent’s marriage and what went wrong. Each of us can become more resilient when we recognize what not to do in relationships.
Many studies indicate that most divorces actually occur in low conflict marriages in which spouses have become emotionally distant, with a tendency to blame their former spouse, not themselves, for the problems they faced. Any relationship, if it is not nurtured and cared for, can dwindle and die. However, when partners are dedicated and united in making their marriage work, problems that once seemed insurmountable can be overcome.
For those contemplating a potential divorce now that the children are grown, it is important to carefully consider the short and long-term consequences of that decision. Talk with your spouse about the relational legacy that you want to leave with your children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. If you choose to get divorced today, how might this impact their lives?
Read the full article here.
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From an article by the Institute of Family Studies, 18/10/2023