Confronting the toll of hook-up culture
From an article by The Institute of Family Studies
Erica Komisar is a clinical social worker, psychoanalyst and author. She writes (abridged):
One of the most detrimental and perhaps overlooked factors in the mental health crisis facing adolescents and young adults is 'hook-up culture' - brief, uncommitted sexual encounters between people who are not romantic partners or dating each other. A recent Tinder ad is a great example. The ad reads “Meet the love of your night.” Clever? Yes, but so disturbing. The message distorts the hope of finding love and connection into the promise of a fleeting moment of disconnected sex.
In my clinical practice, I see an increasing number of young adults who don’t trust traditional relationships and are pessimistic about a future where they find lasting and true romantic love. This marked increase in scepticism towards long-term commitments, marriage, and parenthood is an alarming departure from historical norms of courtship and romance.
Over the past 60 years, a move from more traditional forms of courting has been replaced by more casual sexual encounters. Rather than seeking enduring emotional bonds that result from a supportive and loving partnership, young adults are seeking a “quick fix,” a transient feeling of pleasure and the excitement of feeling “chosen” - even only briefly - by a peer. Gaining the physical attention of someone else has become an exciting game that nobody wins.
The consequences of hook-up culture extend beyond fleeting dissatisfaction, manifesting in tangible psychological distress. Surveys among college students reveal widespread reports of negative emotional outcomes post-hook-up, including regret and diminished self-esteem. A survey of 1468 undergraduate students found that 82.6% reported negative mental and emotional consequences after hook-ups, including embarrassment, loss of respect, and difficulties with maintaining steady relationships. Another study found that 78% of women and 72% of men who had engaged in uncommitted sex experienced regret afterward. These encounters seem to correlate with heightened symptoms of depression and anxiety, contributing to an already escalating mental health crisis among adolescents.
In addition to the mental health implications of hook-up culture, there is also a physical risk to those who engage in this behaviour. I have seen so many adolescents in my practice who believe that STDs are a thing of the past that can’t touch them, even as there has been a rise in STD transmission.
There is also a link between hook-up culture and an increase in unwanted sex. In one survey, 77.8% of unwanted sex occurred in the context of hook-ups. Hook-up culture pressures people into dangerous and harmful situations that they don’t even want to be involved in because society has perpetuated that it’s “fun” and “sexually liberating.”
The task before us is not merely to critique or lament the rise of hook-up culture but to collectively re-evaluate our values and the examples we set for our children. We need to practice what we preach by prioritizing our children when they are young so they can extend their belief in us to their belief in others.
At the core of these challenges lies a broader issue of attachment and emotional development. I am confident that the increase in attachment disorders I am seeing among the young people in my practice and the amplification of the hook-up culture are not coincidental. Adolescents today have more trouble believing in relationships and their longevity because of how they are raised.
Having faith in romantic love is a continuation of trusting in the unconditional love and emotional security provided by their parents. When mothers and fathers prioritize their children and are both physically and emotionally present, particularly during the first three years, children develop a deep sense that the environment is safe and that they can depend upon their primary caretakers to be there when they are in distress. This creates attachment security, which is the basis for loving relationships throughout life.
When mothers and fathers share a deep romantic love, are affectionate with one another in front of their children, and respect and admire one another, this models the beauty of lasting romantic love. This emotional security and modelling of loving relationships builds a foundation of expectation and hope. Unfortunately, I am not seeing that foundation in the young people I treat. Instead, too many children are raised in a world where parents prioritize their careers and material success over time with their children, and they delegate the care of vulnerable and dependent children to others at increasingly younger ages. This separation is harmful and forces children to develop pathological defences and attachment disorders that interfere with their trust in intimate adult relationships later on. Add to that the high divorce rates, which reinforce to children that committed love is unstable, fleeting, and not to be trusted.
It is not enough to disavow or reject the hook-up culture as parents or to tell them we disapprove. We need to model a more dependable, stable, and emotionally secure world. We need to understand the deep connection between how we raise our children and how that impacts their perception of relationships in the future. We need to take our commitments to one another seriously and reduce the number of divorces when possible.
We need to have open discussions with our children about the differences between hooking up and making love and what healthy relationships look like. We also need to actively encourage and support the institution of marriage and the formation of strong, nurturing families. By demonstrating the beauty and stability of committed partnerships, we provide our children with the solid foundation they need to build their future relationships.
By actively forging a path toward a future where relationships are anchored in trust, respect, safety, and longevity, we can shift this cultural tide and encourage relational health and well-being for generations to come.
Read the full article here.
Retweet about this article:
From an article by The Institute of Family Studies, 04/09/2024