The Compass of Shame
From an article by Psychology Today
The first wince of shame is physical. It creates a slumping of the shoulders. We avert our gaze while our head drops. Often, we become very confused and foggy in our thinking; it’s difficult to find any words. Everything that happens in these moments is to disengage from the conversation or connection we were in. The feeling is so noxious that we generally move quickly to get out of this moment through one or two of four scripted responses - referred to as the four points on a "Compass of Shame":
1. Withdrawal
We are in withdrawal when we want to hide, run away, or go silent, or we wish the earth would just open up and swallow us. Withdrawal can actually serve as a healthy time-out when we’re in the moment of shame.
2. Avoidance
Our society gives us all kinds of ways to avoid feeling shame through the use of substances e.g. alcohol, compulsive behaviours e.g. eating disorders, gambling, or acquisitiveness e.g. owning the right name brand clothes to create a counter-image of “worthiness” or “good enough”.
3. Attack other
“Attack other” is a top go-to script for shame management in our society. Comparison, competition, outright verbal/physical aggression, gossip, bullying, road rage reside on this point of the compass.
4. Attack self
“Attack self” includes being overly self-critical, negative self-talk, and/or tolerating bad or abusive behaviour from others in the interest of maintaining “connection”.
When we recognize we’re in one of these scripted behaviours, we have an opportunity to backtrack to the moment of shame. While it feels toxic, the value of shame is that it points us toward a need for some sort of corrective repair or reconnection. Getting curious about how we manage shame, as with all emotions, gives us the opportunity to find the value in the emotions that give us a survival advantage.
Read the full article here.
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From an article by Psychology Today, 16/10/2024