How can we feel truely loved? 

From an article by Behavioral Scientist

Sonja Lyubomirsky, Professor of Psychology, University of California researches happiness, and Harry Reis, Professor of Psychology, University of Rochester researches relationships and connection. Having studied the complexities of well-being and love in depth, in their book, "How to Feel Loved", they present a radical, hopeful, and science-backed shift in how to think about love.

Many people believe that if they behave the right way, say the right things, or make themselves more lovable, they will feel more loved. But this kind of reflexive thinking is fundamentally misguided, causing a disconnect that can lead to loneliness, depression and self-doubt.

Sonja and Harry reveal that feeling loved isn’t about making ourselves more appealing - it’s about showing our full and vulnerable selves to others and encouraging our loved ones to do the same. If we want to feel truely loved, we need to deeply know those we love and become deeply known by them.
 

In an article in Behavioral Scientist, they explain more in this summary:

Why do people sometimes do not feel loved, even when other people care about them?

Happiness is strongly linked to feeling loved. However, feeling loved is not just about having someone say “I love you.” or "I admire you." To feel truly loved, a person needs to feel known, understood, and accepted for who they really are.

Happiness is a difficult subject. There is no simple answer to “the secret to happiness”. However, happy people usually feel loved.

So why can 'feeling loved' can be hard?

Many people do not know what to do to feel more loved. Some people also think love is something that either happens or does not happen, rather than something they can help build through their own choices and relationships.

There are five common beliefs that can stop people from feeling loved:

1. “If only I were more attractive, powerful, rich, or successful, I would feel more loved.”

This belief is understandable because society often tells people that beauty, money, fame, and success make them more valuable. But these things may only bring attention or admiration. They do not always lead to real love. People usually want to be loved for deeper qualities, such as kindness, honesty, humour, and character.

If someone is liked because they are rich, attractive, or famous, they may wonder whether people care about them as a person or only care about what they have. This doubt can make it harder to trust others.

Success can be satisfying for a short time, but people often soon want even more. This means chasing success may not lead to lasting happiness or connection.

2. ;“If only other people knew my good qualities and achievements, I would feel more loved.”

Many people try to show their best side, especially on social media. They may post achievements, attractive photos, or carefully chosen moments from their life because they want to be seen and valued. But being noticed is not the same as being known. Other people may admire someone’s success, but admiration is not the same as love.

Sharing good news can strengthen relationships when it is done naturally with people who care. However, if someone is always trying to impress others or get approval, it can create distance instead of closeness. Real connection comes from sharing honestly, not from trying to look perfect.

3. “If only I could hide my weaknesses, I would feel more loved.”

This is a common mistake. Many people think they must hide their flaws, struggles, or worries so that others will like them. But if people only show a perfect version of themselves, others cannot really know them. Being loved for a false version of yourself does not feel satisfying.

At the same time, people should not share everything all at once. Being open should happen slowly and carefully. Healthy honesty means sharing enough to let others understand you, while also giving them space to listen and respond. The main point is that people need to be known as real human beings, with both strengths and weaknesses, in order to feel loved.

4. “Each person has one main way of giving and receiving love.”

This is the popular idea that each person has one main way of giving and receiving love, such as gifts, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, or words of praise. The idea is popular because it is simple and easy to understand. However, research does not strongly support it.

Many people like several different kinds of love, not just one - love should be shown in many different ways. Different situations may need different kinds of care. Quality time and kind, supportive words seem to be especially important for helping people feel loved.

5.& “If only my partner, friend, or family member loved me more, I would feel more loved.”

Being loved and feeling loved are not always the same thing. A person might receive kindness, compliments, or support but still not feel fully loved. Sometimes this may be because the relationship is not healthy or because the other person does not return the love. In those cases, it may be better to focus on relationships that are more caring and supportive.

Sometimes love is present and the person still finds it hard to feel it. This can happen because of past experiences, fear, unmet needs, resentment, or the way someone understands relationships. In these cases, simply asking the other person to love them more may not solve the problem.

In conclusion

People often look for love in the wrong places. They may try to become more successful, look more impressive, hide their flaws, depend on one way of showing love or try to make someone love them more. But these strategies do not always help because they focus too much on image, approval, or control.

Feeling loved comes from real connection. This means letting others know the real you, listening to them, sharing honestly, noticing different ways love is shown, and building relationships where people feel accepted. The main message is simple: people are more likely to feel loved when they feel truly known.

Read the full article here.

Reflect on God's love for you. Are you pursuing it based on your success, good qualities, achievements? Are you hiding your weaknesses? Are past experiences hindering connection? He knows you anyway (Ps 139). Feeling loved comes from real connection. This means letting God know the real you, listening to Him, sharing honestly, noticing different ways His love is shown, and building relationship.