Responses to grief 

From material by Care for the Family   

When someone we love dies, we're not only learning to live with our loss – we're often learning how to navigate other people's responses to it too. Friends, family members, colleagues and acquaintances often want to help and are well-intentioned, but they don't always know what to say or do. Some may avoid the subject altogether. Others might minimise our loss, offer advice we didn't ask for, or become so emotional themselves that we end up comforting them.

Whilst we can’t control how others respond, there are ways to make these interactions a little easier. Care for the Family have identified a few common ways people react and things that can help:

When people don't know what to say. Many people feel uncomfortable talking about death and grief. They may worry about saying the wrong thing and avoid the subject altogether. While this can feel hurtful, their silence is often a reflection of their discomfort, not of how much your loved one mattered.

When people don't mention the person who died. Some people avoid saying your loved one's name or talking about them. This can be painful, especially when remembering them feels important. Sharing memories, stories or photos can sometimes help others feel more comfortable acknowledging your loved one too.

When people minimise your loss. You may hear comments such as: ‘At least they're not suffering’, or ‘Everything happens for a reason’. These words are often intended to comfort, but they can leave you feeling misunderstood. If someone's words don't feel helpful, remind yourself that they are responding from their own experience and understanding. They don't get to decide what your loss means or how long it should matter.

When people tell you how you should be grieving. You may encounter well-meaning advice about what you ‘need’ to do – stay busy, keep strong, move on, join a group or clear out belongings. But what helps one person may not help another – grief is deeply personal. It can be helpful to listen graciously, but also to trust yourself. You know your situation, your relationship, and your grief better than anyone else. It's OK to say: ‘Thank you for your concern, but I'm taking things one day at a time.’

When other people become overwhelmed by your grief. Sometimes you may find yourself comforting the very people who came to support you. They might become very upset or share their own losses, which shifts focus away from what you're carrying.  While this often comes from a good place, it can be exhausting. Give yourself permission to step back from conversations that take more energy than they give.

Remember that support can come from unexpected places. One of the surprises of grief can be that some people you expected to be there may struggle to show up, while others offer kindness you never anticipated. Try not to focus solely on those who disappoint you. Instead, pay attention to the people who; Check in regularly, Listen without trying to fix, Remember important dates, Allow you to speak honestly about your grief. These are often the people who help us feel less alone.

People won't always know how to respond to your grief. But their responses do not define your experience. Your loss matters. Your grief matters. 

If you know someone who is grieving, but aren't sure how best to support them. Here are some dos and don'ts to give you guidance on how to listen, connect and come alongside them.

For more information on bereavement support from Care for the Family, connect here.